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[hikaru_sulu]

The common meeting areas on the Enterprise are really quite nice, but for some reason Sulu doesn't find himself visiting them very often. They're always quiet, much of the crew opting to socialize in the larger gathering spaces or the privacy of their own quarters. It's because of that tendency that Sulu isn't worried about his meeting the captain here to talk; the chance of them getting interrupted here is very minute, and Sulu thinks they'll both feel more comfortable in a neutral location, considering the topics at hand.

Sulu arrives first – he's early, as usual – and he takes a seat in one of the two chairs at a small table, using the few minutes he'll get alone to relax and breathe. He's not exactly nervous, and he considers Kirk a friend, but he's never really spent a lot of time with the captain in a social setting, and he wants to be sure they're speaking as equals, that he's not viewing Kirk as his superior in this situation.

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[willrevile]

Jim's abrupt rise in rank has thrown as many problems at him as it has opened doors of opportunity - one of those problems is, in his view, that he's blown past developing peer-to-peer relationships with people who he'd have otherwise served with on an even keel. Hikaru, he's dead certain, is somebody he'd have been pretty much immediately friends with. (Or uh, he'd have just annexed Sulu's social circle, irritatingly forcing him into friendship and refusing to vanish, not unlike his treatment of a certain cranky medical professional, which is basically the only way Jim Kirk knows how to make friends.) When you don't know a guy but you manage to click instantly and work seamlessly together space-diving into a sabotage-slash-combat zone, that says something, right? Right.

So he's keen on this chat, despite being aware of the potential for it to get pretty weird. He wants them to be friends, and he doesn't want rank to be an issue unless they're on duty-- and sometimes not even then; Jim still really and truly believes that a less rigid think-tank gets shit done better.

"I wasn't kidding about coffee," he says as he shows up at the table, wielding a thermos triumphantly, paper cups in his other hand. "Rand actually brewed some, it's not from the synthesizer." Jim plunks down in the opposite chair, only looking slightly hungover, but still hungover. He's got the decency to look a little sheepish when he flashes Hikaru a smile, at least.

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu had turned his head minutely when he'd heard the doors slide open, and he moves to stand when Kirk approaches the table, but he doesn't get a chance to do more than barely push up from his seat when Kirk sits heavily in the chair across from him. Sulu's eyebrows go up a millimeter at the mention of real coffee, and he recalls quickly that the last time he had non-replicated coffee was the last time he'd been on Earth nearly three years ago.

"Did she bring the beans on the ship?" he asks as he watches Kirk open the thermos and dispense the steaming liquid, his mouth watering instantly at the scent of it, bitter and aromatic. He notices then the dark circles under Kirk's eyes, the worn expression cutting itself into the lines on his face. Neither of them are old by any stretch of the imagination, but clearly the mission (and its often conflicting lifestyle) is starting to catch up with them a bit.

[willrevile]

"Must have," he says. "She won't tell me. I mean, I'm pretty sure that must be what she's keeping in the freezer space she requested in the mess, but it's cheating if I go over her head and check." Of course, Jim wants his pointless information victory to be won the hard way: bothering the shit out of Janice.

Hungover or not, Jim's in a good enough mood to be getting on with. He holds up his paper cup in casual toast. "Here's to bad decisions and the grace to make better ones." He drinks. What a comedian, this guy.

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu nods, but he suspects there's more going on than just that Lieutenant Rand not wanting to tell Kirk about the coffee beans, but he doesn't press the issue. Kirk is well known for his flirtations, and the lieutenant is very pretty, so he couldn't blame Kirk if there was a level of interest there, even just for something fun and frivolous.

So there's a fond smile on Sulu's face even before he lifts his cup in a return toast, and when he takes a sip of the coffee it's as smooth and bitter and perfect as he remembered coffee could be, back on Earth. He can't help the soft moan that comes when he swallows, and he shakes his head softly at Kirk, still smiling softly.

"Your bad decisions at least seem to have better outcomes than mine," he says with a rueful laugh as he sets his cup back down on the table between them.

[willrevile]

Jim flirts a little bit with Janice, sure, but it's born of frank discussions between them-- ever since the weird, slightly vicious rumor of a hit-and-quit breakup between him and Christine Chapel took root, he's been particularly cautious. Sure, that was a revenge rumor because Jim had bitten her head off over something she said about Uhura (the nurse's crush on Spock was too aggressive to be professional), but it was believable given his reputation and behavior, making it entirely his fault. Taught him a hell of a lesson.

Too bad he doesn't always stick to it.

"I dunno," he sighs, leaning back in his chair. "You probably have fewer hangovers and angry morning-after voicemails."

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu exhales a sound like a combination of a laugh and a scoff, a rueful smile on his face. "I wouldn't bet money on the hangovers," he says, his smile fond and sympathetic.

There's a moment of silence then between them, and Sulu sips his coffee, his mind busy with the things he wants to talk about, but isn't sure are appropriate, with questions he has for Kirk, most of them personal. He takes a breath.

"You said earlier you found a way to be happy, when you weren't before," he says, broaching the subject carefully. "Can you elaborate about that?" he asks. "I mean, can I ask about that? I know it's probably very personal, so I'll understand if you'd rather not share the details."

[willrevile]

"Mm." Jim sips his coffee. He did say that's what they're meeting to talk about, it's not like he can say 'oh nevermind, too personal.' And he doesn't want to. Hikaru's a good man, and Jim doesn't mind sharing. It's a little weird to articulate just in general, though.

"After Admiral Marcus..." After I died; he knows the man sitting across from him knows about that, because all his senior staff does, but that doesn't mean he speaks of it directly. Legally, no one's even really allowed to. "I was alright until I wasn't, I guess. I don't know when it changed. It felt like I was watching myself from somewhere else for... years." Jim shrugs. "Everyone has these motivations for being out here, these dreams, and I joined Starfleet because Christopher Pike dared me to, in a shithole bar."

Jim's smile is genuine, but a little sad. "You know. For my dad, was the excuse, but that's how it was." Chris fucking Pike.

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu listens to Kirk's words, but he hears the things Kirk isn't saying too, recognizes the specific topics that are being implied but not mentioned. A lot had gone bad when Admiral Marcus had not only revived Khan but had exploited him in a bid to force the militarization of Starfleet, and no one had suffered the consequences as intensely as the Enterprise's captain. As if sacrificing himself (literally) for the sake of the crew wasn't enough trauma, Kirk had lost his mentor as well, had the whole proverbial rug pulled out from under him.

The incident had affected Sulu in a profound way as well; the destruction that had resulted from Khan crashing the Vengeance into San Francisco Bay had been a stark reminder of the certainty of mortality, spurring both him and his long-time boyfriend into making a move to their relationship more serious. And Sulu won't say he regrets the result, but sometimes he thinks they were too hasty, that he and Ben didn't spend enough time thinking about what their lives would be like, how the distance between them would change once they were married with a daughter.

"I'm not sure it will make you feel better, but my motivation for being out here? Boredom," Sulu admits with a bittersweet smile. "I could never find anything that kept my attention until I started flight school, and then that's all I could see myself doing. Piloting starships." He takes a breath, shaking his head softly.

"My life, growing up, it was easy. Everything was easy until that mission to Vulcan. But I know that's not what it was like for you." He pauses, taking another deep breath. "Are you happy now, Jim? Or are you still... On the outside looking in?"

[willrevile]

The admission of boredom wins a little smile out of Jim. It does make him feel better, actually; he's come into himself, settled into the comfort and excitement of making a difference, but he's always going to feel such a huge gap between himself and anyone who enlisted that way. He feels cheap and cut-throat, looking back on himself. It's a comfort not to be alone in his lack of big idealistic dreams. He's got Bones, sure, but Bones is on another level. They might as well be the same chaotic entity at times.

"It's supposed to be easy," Jim assures him, no trace of regret or resentment. It's true. That's what the Federation is for-- to enable evolved human life without the dark struggles of the past. Plenty of people still have a rough go of it, but he'll never begrudge the status quo. It's a good normal. If he ever has kids (well, if he ever adopts kids, once you've died from radiation exposure you don't have to worry too much about certain things), he wants it to be easy for them.

"I think I'm happy now. Mostly, anyway, I'm always going to have my off days." He twists the coffee cup around on the table and winces, because yeah, going on benders when he's got more than one shift off in a row is not great. "I was trying to live someone else's life and I lost myself in it. I started making decisions based on what I thought my father or Christopher might do, and it was just..." he shakes his head. "I had to come to terms with giving myself permission to be alive still."

If you look up survivor's guilt in the dictionary, you'll find a footnote of see also: Kirk, James T. A little below that is another footnote directing the reader to the entire crew of the Enterprise at the Battle of Vulcan; he knows Hikaru understands. Genocide and almost their entire graduating class, half of their instructors, their friends, peers, lovers...

"This is probably way too much," he says with a soft laugh, "to be getting into over the subject of disconnect in space."

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu nods, and he understands on a logical level with Kirk means, but he doesn't have any personal experience in the arena of trying to live up to someone who's no longer living. His parents (and particularly his father) have always held him to high expectations, but they've also always shown a great deal of pride in his accomplishments, and support in all his endeavors (even the ones they wouldn't necessarily have chosen for him). His family life had always been very Asian (for lack of a better term), but loving and warm and accepting, too. Any complaints Sulu has about his upbringing owe themselves to tradition more than to his parents' specific parenting techniques.

But he still has his mother and father at home in San Francisco; if he finds himself struggling he can reach out to them for guidance, he can know with as much certainty as anyone what his parents think of his choices. He's never really considered what a difference that makes in his life, and how lucky he is to have that kind of security and encouragement whenever he needs it.

"I'm not the kind of guy who shies away from heavy topics of conversation," Sulu assures Kirk after taking another sip of his coffee. "Comparatively the issues I'm having are pretty pedestrian, tales as old as time," he goes on, sitting back in his seat. "And I'm not miserable or anything. I love this life." He pauses, taking a breath.

"It can just be really lonely out here, that's all," he says, distilling things down to the most simple explanation. "I'm sure that's something you understand better than most."

[willrevile]

"Yeah." He exhales, almost a sigh. "It's one of those things they go over and over in classes prepping you for ship assignments, and I suppose it's... you know it'll be rough, but you think 'I can handle it'." Jim shakes his head, rueful, and laughs quietly. "And then the reality is so much worse in practice."

Jim has found himself in a bizarre position in the last few years-- he had a reputation in the Academy. Strike that, he had A Reputation, full formal title and everything, and despite the fact that landing in command meant he was now the CO of a crew containing at least dozen people he'd slept with at some point, he carried on with his reckless sexual behavior. Oh, he maintained protocol even if he toed the line here or there, shore leaves and friendly natives, diplomatic crews and space station visits.

And then he died. And he just. Stopped.

At first it was the lack of sexual outlet that frustrated him, but that didn't take long to get over, and when he did he felt suffocated under the heavy, dreadful weight of realizing he'd spent his entire life replacing emotional connections and human contact with one night stands. Combined with the identity crisis over his father and Chris, he's actually sort of perversely proud of himself for only having nearly gone off the rails and almost quitting.

"I just.. hit a wall with it. Achieved a weird kind of equilibrium. I don't know if it'll last, but I've learned how to accept it, at least for now."

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu remembers those classes, the ones aimed specifically at getting a person ready to spend months and months aboard a starship with little or no opportunity to put their feet down on solid ground at all, and even less chance of coming home. At the time it sounded like heaven to Sulu, getting away from the tedium of day to day life, exploring the stars and seeing things that literally no one had ever seen before. He loved his family, and he knew he'd miss them, but he'd lived with them his entire life, and getting out on his own had been more than a little appealing.

Of course he hadn't really factored in falling in love. When he and Ben had first started dating, Sulu had been very emphatic that the nature of the relationship had to be casual. He knew what his life was going to be like as a pilot for Starfleet, how the term 'long-distance relationship' didn't begin to cover what being separated by millions of light years would be like. Of course the human heart rarely listens to reason, and he's now not only participating in the longest of long-distance relationships, he's married with a young daughter, and every minute he's away from them he feels that incessant tug at his heartstrings of longing and loneliness. Having Ben and Demora living at Yorktown had, at first, been a great relief, but now, despite Ben's insistence that he doesn't want to go back to Earth, it's an enormous source of anxiety and guilt.

And then, as if that's not enough, having his husband closer hasn't really eased the aching emptiness Sulu feels when he finally turns in for the night, alone in his quarters and his bed. He knows Ben's at least as lonely as he is and he has no room at all to complain, but he never really knew how much he needed human contact until he'd had to go so long without it. It's generally more than just missing sex, but there are nights (like this one) where it's all he wants. It makes the idea of a random, no-strings-attached hookup very tempting.

"Finding a real, true balance in anything is almost impossible," Sulu replies with an understanding, sympathetic smile. "Even if it's fleeting, you should be really proud that you've managed it."

Taking a breath, Sulu leans in toward the table, propping himself on his elbows. "I'm right on the edge of complaining tonight," he admits with a disapproving shake of his head. "And I know I shouldn't, not only because your the captain, but because I made my bed here." He sighs. "Some nights are just harder than others."

[willrevile]

"I guess vidcall sex would be easier if we ever got reception out here," Jim says, and then makes a face at his own lack of grace with the subject. The look he gives Hikaru after is slightly apologetic, but also: he's probably got a point. Though they do occasionally install subspace relays on their explorations, it still takes a while to get regular messages through - emergency calls and conferences with Starfleet Command get allotted the power to make them operate in realtime, but not much else.

"I don't know how you do it." Staying away from his husband, and his kid. Jim sips his coffee. "Being apart and also-- like, you have somebody who loves you and who's putting up with this. That's incredible. So many of you seem to be able to pull that off and it's just... sort of blowing my mind routinely, because I've never been able to get anywhere near it. Even if it's rough you have something really amazing."

[hikaru_sulu]

Sulu huffs a laugh, and Kirk doesn't know it, but the last time he and Ben had attempted something like that, the connection had experienced such a delay (on top of enough quality issues that it was difficult to see what was going on anyway) that both of them had fallen asleep before anything remotely sexy had taken place. The best they've managed recently is video recordings sent back and forth, but as much as it's better than nothing, it's nowhere near as fulfilling as communicating in realtime (or being physically in the same place).

"I don't know how we do it sometimes either," Sulu replies with a rueful smile and a shake of his head. "I mean, Ben and I fight to make it work because of what you just said, because we love each other, because what we have when we're together is worth it. Demora is worth it," he tries to explain, and he's not bitter, he's not. He and Ben both went into this with their eyes wide open, no disillusions about what their lives would be with Sulu's enlistment in Starfleet.

"I, uh. I know so people have contingencies," he goes on, though he cringes even as he chooses the word. "Or, more like... Relationships that are more open," he amends. "Because of what I was just talking about, the distance and the loneliness." He pauses, taking a breath as he considers whether or not to go on.

"We've, Ben and I, we've talked about it ourselves," he offers after a beat, feeling the same uncertainty he always does when thinking about this particular topic.